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It’s been a very rough couple of weeks and last night was just one more nail in my coffin.

Trooper did a very bad thing, something that I am well aware of. I did everything I could to make the situation right with the owner of Kilo, short of bringing him back to life. The entire experience was very expensive for us but that was okay. It truly was the least we could do. Diane now has a new Pom, named Panda, who is 14 months old. I hear they are bonding well.

I was looking forward to going back to agility this week, and sent the trainer an e-mail to make sure it was okay.

The phone rang last night and shattered my dreams. Trooper is no longer allowed in class. Nor am I advised to enter him in shows.

Expressing my devastation here is not possible. I could not stop crying last night. Hubby finally got annoyed with my tears and started getting all logical, which was not what I needed.

I know in my logical head that it is perfectly acceptable and makes sense. Trooper is now a liability and as a business they can’t afford to have a dog who has killed another dog. I know that. What if he did something bad again? As hubby pointed out, they could take him away from us and even put him down. Even though I know that he didn’t do anything out of aggression or to TRY to kill something. It was an accident fueled by natural drive.

But in my heart I am just so depressed and sad. I’m grieving. I’ve now lost an activity, a bonding experience with my dog, that made my world brighter. There are very few activities out there that get me out of the house and interacting with others. Agility allowed me to socialize and work with my boy. I got exercise, he got exercise. We learned new things together. It was extremely good for me mentally.

I feel like crying even now, though I’m at work and that wouldn’t be the best idea. I have pictures up all around me of Trooper performing various agility exercises. He enjoyed it so much.

This whole thing has been a tragedy on so many levels. My heart aches. I’m severely depressed right now and that’s not healthy for me or my baby. I know that Trooper will be fine. He doesn’t realize any of the things going on and won’t “miss” agility in the way I will.

I don’t know what I will do now but I want to continue working with Trooper - even if it is just going for walks and learning to walk properly in new places. My ultimate goal will be getting Timber and Trooper to walk calmly together with me.

Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps I was not meant to do agility in the long term, especially with a baby on the way. It doesn’t make me less depressed right now and I hope that something will help pull me out of this horrible funk. I do trust that God has a plan, even though this seems like a particularly cruel step in my journey.

Trooper did a very bad thing. And I’ve had a very bad couple of days.

Sunday was our regularly scheduled agility class. He was doing fairly well, running some moderately difficult courses.

There was a new dog in class, who moved up from the beginner’s class … it was their first advanced class. The dog was a teenie tiny little Pomeranian named Kilo…no bigger than a teacup Chihuahua, but with two inch long fur. Almost a mini-Trooper.

I was standing watching Kilo run and jump over his 4 inch jump heights…he was just so adorable and looked like a little toy.

Which is what Trooper must have thought he was as well because all of a sudden Trooper was following Kilo on his jumps. Trooper has never left my side during agility … I have the food and he’s usually begging. But his prey drive kicked into full gear when he saw Kilo running.

In less than 10 seconds, Trooper had snatched Kilo up and was shaking him. I don’t remember much - I remember hearing Kilo’s mom screaming “Oh My God” and someone else telling the other students to keep their dogs back.

I don’t even remember seeing anything … truly … it’s like I had blacked out and could only hear and feel. I stuck my hand into the back of Trooper’s jaw to try to pry Kilo out but he just bit down harder. I think we freaked him out because we just swarmed him and surrounded him. He didn’t know he was doing something wrong. He wasn’t being aggressive. He never once growled. He never lunged at anyone or tried to bite anyone.

My mind completely blanked … I didn’t say No, Leave it, or Drop it. I don’t know if any of those would have stopped him, but he is a very good boy and usually obeys well. I am horrible in emergency situations.

Kilo had not one single puncture wound.

But Trooper’s jaws are extremely strong and Kilo died several hours later, after much effort by the emergency vets.

I cannot tell you how devastated I was, and still am. When we got back from urgent care for my punctured finger (down to the joints on both sides of my finger) I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke up, hubby told me that Kilo didn’t make it. In a daze I went into the bathroom…I started feeling cold but sweaty and then I threw up violently for several horrible minutes. And for the rest of the night I cried.

I couldn’t look at Trooper for the rest of Sunday and even most of Monday. I stayed home from work because the doctor wanted me to keep my hand elevated to bring down the swelling and avoid infection. Trooper kept coming up to me and sniffing, or putting his head in my lap, but I just couldn’t deal with him. He’d never done anything like this - had never gone after another dog ever. We had always been careful because we know he is a Malamute and has a very strong prey drive.

We are paying for Kilo’s vet bills and have offered to buy his owner, Diane, a new doggy. I believe she was looking at two potential dogs yesterday, for which I am so thankful. I told hubby that there is nothing more soothing and healing than a puppy.

Unbelievably, Diane doesn’t hate me. I would. I hated me! She is obviously a better person than me.

I’m beyond traumatized. I want to keep doing agility but I don’t want to face anyone. I’m horrified, humiliated, embarrassed, disgusted. How can I give my boy love? How can I hug him and tell him that I love him? My brain tells me that what he did was NOT his fault … it was strictly an instinct that he’s had built into him over thousands of years. He doesn’t know right from wrong. He is an animal and all too often, as humans, we attribute human characteristics to our dogs that they never have. He’s back to being his happy self (he never stopped actually) but I am not. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for what happened.

I know that time heals all wounds and I hope to be able to get back to normal. I can’t fathom Diane’s forgiveness yet. There isn’t enough money in the world that can make up for her loss and I feel completely unworthy of her goodness.

I cannot tell you how much fun I had this weekend. Of course, I also had a completely exhausting weekend.

Trooper and I left in the truck early Saturday morning … I wasn’t sure where the event was and I get nervous driving new places. It’s a very good thing I left so early because we did end up lost! I copied the instructions down wrong - I missed a line of direction and missed a turn.

Thankfully I had my trainer’s and another participant’s phone number and was able to turn around and make it to the Ranch.

Unfortunately I’d forgotten my registration information, but it was okay because they had our details at check in. Thank goodness!

Things got started off a little later than normal - the judges had to be woken up! hahaha Silly judges. It wasn’t until after 9 a.m. when the runs started and our first run wasn’t until around 10:30 or 11 a.m. I wasn’t all that nervous for our first run. It was a Standard run and I had plenty of time to walk it and memorize the course.

I didn’t explain to my helper how to use my camera so he only got about half of the run but at least you can see Trooper pretty well. We ended up Qualifying and getting SECOND place in our very first trial run!!! I was ecstatic!!!

Trooper did SO good … he did growl at one dog when we first got there - the ONLY dog bigger than him. hee hee hee

But otherwise the entire weekend was wonderful. Our second run was Gamblers - I had to send him on to a tunnel and then he was supposed to take a jump that was a ways away from me. It didn’t work out so well but except for that and a tire issue he did wonderful. We didn’t qualify because you have to complete the gamble successfully in order to Q. I think the tunnel angle was a little unfair for us noobies but who am I to complain?

I run like a girl.

The last run of our first day was called Snookers. *grin* It was fun and we ended up qualifying.

That was probably our best run in terms of clean and put together, except I did notice my baby shaking his head a bit. That usually means he has an ear issue. But he did awesome.

I think we tied for third in Snookers, with another student from the same class which is neat. There were a ton of Fido Farm’s students and instructors there. It was incredible to have such support and camaraderie.

The first day lasted FOREVER! They were so far behind and there were so many dogs to run on Saturday that my level didn’t go until after 9 p.m. and we didn’t get home until after 10 p.m. I barely got six hours of sleep before I had to get up and go back up to the Trial.

Trooper was so tired! On our way back he slept the whole way and did not move a muscle. He will normally sit up and get interested when we turn into our development, but he did not wake up until I put the truck in park. He had this look on his face like “are we there yet?” with a dopey expression and his fur all matted on one side. Doggy bed head. LOL

Day two started and I didn’t get lost this time. Trooper was excited to get going even though we hardly had any sleep. Our first run of the day was another Standard one and he did alright. I never realized how slow he goes … although I swear in class he moves faster than he did at the Trial.

He has an amazing sit and stay. We had to wait for almost 30 seconds before we got the green light to go.

Doesn’t he look handsome from behind? *grin* You can hear one of my trainers saying to reward him but I couldn’t hear her. Not only that, if I had moved back toward him he would have broken his sit stay since I couldn’t give him a cookie. He got LOTS of cookies this weekend.

When he went over the A-Frame he actually went quicker than normal. It was quite a coordinated descent too. lol I was quite proud. Normally he slides down kind of sloppily but always cute. I got in his way for the next two jumps and then he didn’t really want to go into the weave poles but he did.

We qualified in this run too so now we have two standard qualifications. We need one more before we can move up. ALREADY!!! It’s a little too frightening to think about.

The next event was Pairs. I paired up with the wonderful Gracie and her ‘momma’ who are in the same class as me and Trooper. I was SO excited for how good they did. Trooper and I didn’t do nearly so well in this one. He did not want to work the weave poles, but he just gets tired of them after only doing them two or three times. He’d already done them once that day.

We took too long and did not qualify but it was hella fun!

Our last run of the tournament was Jumpers. I think we could have done better. I asked my instructor what I did wrong or could have done better but she said I did okay. Trooper was tired. He just didn’t get all the jumps in fast enough so we didn’t qualify. But I also think I could have run it a little differently to help him.

All in all it was an entirely amazing weekend and I can’t wait to do it again!!! We got three Qs, two 2nd places, 1 third place, and 1 fourth place. I’m already looking forward to class on Thursday.

It’s almost time. Tomorrow morning I won’t be sleeping in as usual. I’ll be up bright eyed and bushy tailed at oh five hundred. Get three dogs in their kennel with blankets and towels and water and get Trooper and I in the truck and on the road.

We had our last Agility practice before the trial last night. He did amazing. I was a little concerned because we took all four dogs into the field beforehand to play and he played hard. But he was focused and ran really well. And it was hellishly difficult course. The instructor assured me that none of the set ups at the trial will be nearly so difficult.

My goal is to have fun and not let Trooper run off the course. If it goes really amazingly well we will get something called a “Q” … which I really don’t yet understand. Some of the terminology of this agility stuff is still new to me. Apparently if you do things the “right” way you get a Qualifying score. Get enough “Q”s and I think you move up … to what I don’t know. lol

Something that I do worry about is my nerves. I’m not super nervous yet but I will be tomorrow morning. And when I’m nervous or worried, Trooper does not respond as well to me as normal. When I am confident and alert, he is too. Isn’t that weird? He’s very in tune with me.

I’m hoping to have videos and photos to share next week, if I remember to charge my camera and can find someone to take them while we run. Even if we do horribly I’ll still like watching them … watching Trooper run is such a joy.

hahahahahaha This is so cute. Learn about the real reason for different dog breeds.

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. Lots of things going on. Still working on getting Timber on a loose leash. *sigh* We had an exhausting session on Sunday morning where he very nearly pulled me over, but thankfully my agility trainer was nearby and she took pity on me. She showed me a few different techniques, and although he threw several tantrums and was still shaking to run forward he did settle down a bit.

He was anxious to get forward because in front of him was a big field with other dogs and balls. Oh the joy! When we finally made it to the field we spend 30 or so minutes … I threw the ball (God bless the chuck it tool) and Timber, Trooper, and several other dogs would run run run run to get it. Timber did not get it one time while the other dogs were there. Poor guy. He just couldn’t keep up with the border collies.

He keeps up better than the slow lumbering Trooper. I used to think he was fast but when you watch him with these other dogs he looks like a big ol’ slow giant. Poor sweet guy. He was SO tired (after all, he’d just had an hour of agility) and it was pretty obvious he wanted to leave. But I kept them both there until they were good and worn out. When we finally got home they were both muddy, absolutely filthy, but super sleepy.

A tired dog is a heavenly dog in my view. =)

Trooper and I are doing fairly good in our agility training…at least in my opinion. I’ve gained confidence in the last few weeks with my handling and I think that Trooper has really started to get it - watching me to know where he needs to go and recognizing word commands.

He had been doing the Weave Poles perfectly two weeks ago but now he will do half of them and then think he’s done and stop weaving. The goof ball. So it’s more practice doing the weave pole dance (this involves lots of treats and specific placement of my feet and hands) until he can do it perfectly again.

The table and A-frame are his favorites…probably because he gets so many treats on both of those exercises. We’re working on touches when he comes down on A Frame. He’s so big that he can jump off and out of the proper area in one stride (the dogs have to stay on the various objects down to the bottom or end and get docked if they jump over or off).

On the other hand I am having a hard time visualizing when and where to do front and rear crosses. Simple ones I can figure out but when the instructor asks where we’d put a cross I go completely blank! It’s really frustrating. And confuses Trooper when I am trying to move quickly and guide him at the same time.

We have another agility demo coming up this Saturday and I hope I do a better job than I did last time. I also hope the course is a little larger too.

Apparently when I run I stick my butt out. Ha! Which is funny because I used to run with a straight back. I need to work on that.

Yesterday’s class went really well. There were SO many dogs that we were split up into mini groups within our groups and one of the trainers asked me to watch over my group. It was scary but kind of cool that she’d ask me to do that. Not that my group needed watching over…it was the more advanced group.

I really am kind of hoping that they’ll move me up soon to the more advanced class. I think that Trooper can handle more difficult tasks and I hope that I’m up to learning new things.

Last night was agility training and I was really excited to get going. It seems like a long time from Sunday to Thursday and thankfully not so long between Thursday and Sunday. I knew Trooper was excited to get going too. Besides the fact that he was starving!

My mother in law thinks it’s doggy abuse. I feed the other two pups but Trooper is denied his dinner on Agility evenings. And his breakfast on Agility mornings.

It’s for his own good. A hungry dog is a motivated dog. Even with a meal in his belly Trooper is highly food motivated and always will take a treat from our hands. However when trying to get him to learn new things and focus on working, if he’s not hungry he is much less likely to obey.

Trust me when I tell you that he gets a LOT of goodies during agility training classes. I used to take one chicken breast (boiled) with kibble but discovered that he LOVES hot dogs. SO now I bring three hot dogs cut up, one boiled chicken breast (also cut up) and kibble.

So yesterday he was a highly motivated (aka hungry) dog and on his very first run he did it flawlessly!!! And it wasn’t a straight run either. It was 5 jumps set up in a square. I was so proud of him, but even more proud on our third run when the instructor announced that she was going to raise the jump height to 20 inches!!! I looked at her, my eyes wide and my mouth opened. He’s never done 20 inches before I stuttered.

She smiled. They know what a wimp I am in class.

And what do you know? He sailed over them, hardly even blinking!!! I started jumping up and down like a crazy person. I was so happy and proud of him. It’s such a simple and small thing but you could tell that he was proud of himself too. And he got a big piece of chicken as a reward. Woohoo! *happy dance*

I’m really looking forward to Sunday’s class.

I can’t explain the feeling I get when Trooper and I run through exercises at Agility class and do it correctly. I get so excited and I can tell that he is happy - besides just getting a lump of yummy food. He gets lots of love and ‘good boy’ and “yay”. =D

When he doesn’t do it right it’s rarely his fault as I keep learning. Learning my body language and how it affects his behavior is fascinating. I am forced to really get in tune with exactly how I move and what I do with every part of my body, from feet to hands to head. When I step even one foot in the wrong direction it can give him the wrong message and cause him to go off course.

At our last class we worked very hard - mostly me trying to control my habits. I tend to talk a lot and I’m supposed to be quiet - for each jump I tend to say “jump” or make kissy noises. Bad human! I am only supposed to show him, guide him, with my hand movement and body language.

We went through jumps over and over and over again. Three jumps in a 180 degree turn. And the instructor kept moving out the middle jump so he had to move further and further away from me. Boy was it hard. I love that Trooper was so focused and didn’t get bored. Of course the hot dogs help.

And even as we were working so hard he wanted to go on the baby teeter again and again!

Of course he’s not supposed to be looking at me, he’s supposed to have his head down and looking ahead. But again, it’s my fault. I’m supposed to say get it and put the food on the get it plate. Trooper focuses on my hands because he knows I’m going for a treat. Again, my fault.

But we got to graduate to the big boy teeter!!! It’s much different than the baby teeter and makes a louder noise. We started off slowly - a table is placed under the teeter so it doesn’t go down all the way and Trooper can get used to the noise. He did really good!

Looking at the photos my mother in law took is so much fun. I get to see how he’s moving and where he’s looking. I love seeing him looking at me for direction. Malamutes are so independent and stubborn that it thrills me to pieces that my boy looks to me and wants to work. I can’t thank That Mutt enough for mentioning agility training on her blog one day. It’s given me an entirely new relationship with my dog and that is beyond valuable.

Not to mention the fact that he is plum wore out when we get home!